Not this past weekend, but the weekend before, I hosted “Visible Racine” at The Inclusive Bean.

Becoming the Writer-in-Residence placed fear onto me. The fear of not being able to do what is asked of me, not because I don’t want to, but because I am disabled stirred through my head up until the event.

Coming up with a community project wasn’t the hard part for me, but instead, I feared what if my disability flared on the day of the event. What if I had to cancel? What if I get sick while I am there? What if my brain fog prevents me from being personable?

My mom had to remind me that I am allowed to cancel or reschedule or do things differently in life because I am disabled. Sometimes, there is no stopping my disability.

The “what ifs” don’t stop on their own, I have to work on pumping their breaks.

My worst fear related to this project almost came true.

The night before, I tripped in a hole while walking in my yard. For someone with neuropathy, any trauma to my feet, can surely cause a trickle down effect of problems. Rolling my ankle brought back a lot of unpleasant memories of when the neuropathy first started.

It was out of control…electrical shocks, couldn’t bear weight, and still even after the event, its not at my baseline. I don’t mention this to complain, but rather to show just how hard commitment can sometimes be for people with disabilities. I went to bed fearing I would have to cancel, but woke up, determined to power through. It wasn’t easy.

I certainly “paid to play” as my mom also says. Sometimes to do the things we want to do, we pay for them in the ways that our bodies flare afterwards.

This event accomplished its goals of engaging the disabled community and empowering those in attendance.  It also took my mind off the aches and pains.

I was shocked by how many individuals were willing to share their stories and to associate with having a disability. It is not as easy as it sounds. Identifying as disabled or having a disability can be mentally challenging to accept.

The day flew by for myself. Multiple people brought themselves and even their loved ones out for coffee, conversations, and in that, we found some unity.

To those who came, thank you for your courage. We were able to take photos together and in addition, Racine Video, came out to tape content from the event. A video will be coming soon featuring the incredible advocates that showed up. Thank you, Jason Love. 

When I first applied for the ArtRoot Writer in Residence program, I didn’t succeed. I believe it took me three times to be granted the position. However, the setback, allowed me to develop and create what “Visible Racine” has become. 

It was a good lesson about waiting. Powering through the hiccup of hurting my foot also showed me that I too am disabled and can grant myself some grace time and time again.

It was a treat to learn about who Racine truly is. I am enjoying working on the next steps of this project.